[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
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wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
black phone good
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.