When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Me buying fruit and veg
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip