*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Netflix and awkward silence?
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus