Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Storm Tropical Storm
Truth
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that