This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Monday
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Stop sending me this shit.