Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.