*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Y’all know who you are.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
a badder mouse
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.