My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?