Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
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*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
starting a garage orchestra
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
any last words?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.