We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
You Might Also Like
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Bloody internet 😳
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When someone says you are so lazy