A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much