Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.