Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
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We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
#dnd #ttrpg
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins