Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.