THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*Seductively hides in the woods
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.