First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
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Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while Iâm still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Iâm a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means thereâs *counts on fingers* more people that arenât dead
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[told Iâm needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] whatâs the latest possible deadline
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: iâm lost
ME: youâre at the mall
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, itâs how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… đ
âPost Maloneâ is British for âmail my mortgage payment.â
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
âSee how annoying that is?â
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Going to the moon must be terrifying because youâve got no way to tell if youâre seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.