Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
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I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”