You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.