“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.