I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”