its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.