[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
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The old gods are rising again.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
File under excellent bookstore names.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos