Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*