People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’d use my best pan on you.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.