I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
A little too much information.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.