My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
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I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide