women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
❤️❤️❤️
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Not today.. 😂
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger