if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
You Might Also Like
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand