Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
That de-escalated quickly
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I hope Alan is OK
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Erm…
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that