[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
This probably isn’t good
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Not all heroes wear capes….
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.