Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
the rocks need my help
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”