Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Lmaoo 😂
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
house sitting!
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk