Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
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What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
reduce, reuse, recycle
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.