[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Squirrels before girls.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Well, this explains it:
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.