Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.