It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
You Might Also Like
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
the rocks need my help
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.