[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Saturday
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.