I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.