APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.