dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’m having an out of money experience.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you