We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
The happy life.. 😊
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.