They must have gotten it to go.
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.