[at the general store]
me: one general please
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
when you don’t want to be too vague
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.