HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many