The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.