My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
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I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying