Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me too 😆
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
me before I type out affect or effect