I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.