If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
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[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath