Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
You Might Also Like
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
want me to check your oil?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
As the Lord intended
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out